The Decline of Masculinity - David Menzies

To paraphrase the old Molson Canadian tagline: I AM ... an idiot.

You read it right: I’m an incompetent goof. A pathetic primate who can barely function in our oh-so-complicated world.

Why the lowly self-assessment? No, I didn’t invest in Bre-X. Nor do I drive an Aztek. Rather, it’s the advertising industry that’s convinced me I’m a loser due to one glaring prerequisite: my gender.

For the last several months, I’ve taken note of several radio and TV ads whenever there was a script depicting two people of different genders. In every spot except one, men were portrayed as imbeciles.

Even if the script established the male character as a successful business owner, he still came across like the classic Phil Hartman character, Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer from Saturday Night Live. (The defrosted Neanderthal would continually note that the attributes of today’s world – “flashing neon signs” and “fast-moving cars” – would “frighten and confuse” him.)

In today’ advertising world, unfrozen cave men abound.

In a Toyota spot, a male Toyota owner is depicted as being virtually brain damaged when he addresses a female Toyota customer service clerk. He can’t remember (or doesn’t know) what needs to be serviced on his car. He doesn’t even know what he wants to drink. Thank goodness for the know-it-all service rep who tells him what needs to be done to remedy his motor (without even popping the hood). She also informs him he’s experiencing a craving for caffeine.

A Rogers Wireless spot promoting the BlackBerry Curve depicts a male commuter admiring the BlackBerry of a female. He mentions he plans on getting such a device himself one day.

“I was set up in minutes,” the woman explains.

“... In ... minutes ...?” says the fellow in a tone that suggests he’s contemplating quantum physics.

A CIBC ad establishes “Tom” as a successful businessman. Along comes a female customer who’s not in Tom’s line of business but, naturally, is an expert when it comes to Tom’s trade. She tells him to install a CIBC e-commerce solution in a tone reminiscent of how a principal would address a kindergarten student. Tom’s response: “They [CIBC] can put in an online ordering system?” Naturally, it is uttered with child-like wonderment.

Likewise, a Royal Bank spot features a successful male salon owner who apparently knows nothing about the salon business (from e-commerce to ambient music.) Naturally, a condescending female customer educates the poor doofus.

Of note, one man recently had enough of the male-bashing. Peter Regan, a single parent in Calgary, filed a complaint with Advertising Standards Canada after he took exception to a Rona ad. The spot depicts a female Rona employee dealing with a female customer who laments that her husband never helps around the house. The clerk responds: “That's OK. They [husbands] are all like that.”

In August, the ASC decided the commercial indeed contravened regulations and “disparaged men and/or married men.” Rona was told to remove or alter the ad.

I doubt I’d ever be inclined to complain to a regulatory body about how a group was being depicted in an advertisement. If one is truly offended by such creative, isn’t it more meaningful to vote with one’s wallet – i.e., by patronizing the competitors?

Even so, the question arises: what is the unspoken strategy of having men cast as dimwits? It cannot be random chance. In fact, it’s statistically impossible that in 99% of scripts, the male is the one who is dazed and confused while the woman (or child) is portrayed as an oracle of wisdom.

My hunch: when it comes to getting slagged men tend to take it, well, like a man. Aside from the Rona complainer, men tend to be stoic and silent about such slights. And there’s never been a male equivalent of MediaWatch, a cabal of taxpayer-funded humorous harpies whose mission statement is to rant about how ads depict women and girls.

York University marketing professor Alan Middleton agrees with my thesis. And he adds another noteworthy point: since women in many households control the purse strings, ad agencies figure it’s not a prudent idea to upset the individual who is most likely to be making the purchase. Thus, if the script calls for a dolt, it’s a no-brainer to the man will play the fool.

Indeed, as long as complainers such as Peter Regan remain the exception as opposed to the rule, expect men to be depicted as dumbbells in advertising for decades to come. But then again, what do I know?

In The Light

I was just in the washroom....yeah I am sure you wanted to know that. As I sat pondering the moments of life that one ponders as they sit on the porcelain throne, I looked up at the clock. The clock was ticking away as it normally does, but the time was way off. As I watched a bit longer I noticed that even though the clock was ticking, the second hand was not actually moving, it was just quivered with each tick. Powerless to move.
There are many metaphors that I see in this which reflect where I am in life. The clock is ticking, so if a person doesn't look closely, they would think it was working properly, if the glance was brief enough they would assume that whatever time the clock was displaying was correct and and it could lead a person astray.
I am grieved by how my God is displayed in my life, for I am full of faults. I profess my love for the God who redeemed my life, but fall short in reflecting His love to a world that is searching......for something....for Him.
My heart is to be like the moon, unlike the sun, the moon has no power on its own to create light. It can only reflect the light of the true source of light in our solar system, the sun. Many times the world gets in the way and you can only see a sliver of that light, but when there is nothing blocking the light it can shine so brightly that we can see where we are going and the oceans tides are affected.
God is that light, the true source. The more I let Him into my life and let Him change me the better I can reflect His light. The world and all of its temptations cannot block the light.

The disease of self runs through my blood
Its a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, whats going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That Im still a man in need of a savior

I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

DCTalk

Just be....

This is my latest challenge, I really don't know what this looks like. All my life I have struggled with significance, I have always wanted to know I am unique, that I have something special. But I have never thought that just me, alone am significant. This has manifested in a desire for leadership and position. I took a lot of pride in the fact that at age 24 I was a business owner. I did an awesome job of making my business look good, have a professional appearance. I designed a great logo, the sharpest looking business cards, professional invoicing, nice looking company vehicle. The list goes on and on.
I was also very involved in my hobby of radio control cars, there were no clubs in the area so I started one. I loved being the president, we got a great looking website and logo, started making appearances in various shows around town.
I don't think I am being conceited when I say I did a really great job of making things look really good.
These things were a reflection of what was going on inside of me. On the outside I was a really nice guy, tamed if you will. I was no threat to anybody and people inherently trusted me. But there was no substance.
With my business there was no way I could have even gotten it off the ground had it not been for the financial support of my parents. My Mom loaned me money that was to be used for supporting my family so that I could keep operating capital in the bank. I would often use money in my account to buy myself new toys, RC's, vintage toys for my collection, computer games or technological gadgets. All to satisfy my flesh. My Dad owned the building I had my company in and I shared space with him. There is no way, that had I needed to pay rent that my company could have survived five years.
My RC club did okay, I think mostly because nobody else wanted to start another. There was a lot of infighting in the club, a core group of 3 or 4 that worked hard so that the others could have fun. But eventually they burned out and started complaining why nobody else was helping. I had a few critics that used the anonymity of our club's website to take shots at me, something that cut me to my core. Eventually when the going got too tough I stepped down and let somebody else take to blows.
In both cases when the rubber met the road there was no substance. Its like had I written a book, it would be a 500 page novel with the best looking cover and the catchiest title. But the pages would be blank. Had I been a block of gold thrown into the smelter for the impurities to be burned away, there would have been nothing left. Jesus was speaking of me in Matthew 23:27 when he said "What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity."
How do I learn to just be. To have the confidence that the way I am IS the way God me? That I am valuable without being able to offer you something. That I am important without a label or title. I can tell you right now, I don't know these things.

Matthew West - The Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

Cardboard Testimonies

Wow, all I can say is powerful.

Those Sneaky Agreements - John Eldredge

So, Stasi and I have been writing a book together for the past many months. (It’s on marriage). Through the holidays I was pretty much chained to the computer, trying to get it done by January 15. I took Christmas Eve and day off, and New Years day (which is my son Blaine’s birthday), but the rest of the time it was write, write, write. I felt like I barely saw the holidays.

Now, I love writing. Of all the things I do, I enjoy it the most and I think it might be where I shine best. But I noticed that my heart was getting heavy when I woke up in the morning; I found my energy to write had slipped away.

I was sitting at my desk, feeling blah. But instead of just muscling through the malaise, forcing myself to write, I stopped and asked God, “Lord, have I made some agreements here about this book?”

Bam.

Right away I could sense the Spirit revealing some things to me. “That dam# book” was one of them; not said in malice or cursing, but more in the spirit of resignation, “Well, I’ve got to get back to that dam# book.” Another agreement was, “I don’t really enjoy this.” A third was, “I don’t really like the subject of marriage; I wish I was writing on something else.” NONE of these were true. But they had snuck in, over time, and I had very subtly made an agreement with them.

Sneaky. Very sneaky.

Knowing how damaging agreements can be, knowing how they pin our hearts down and give the enemy a place to work in our lives, I stopped and broke them. Each of them. Out loud. “I do like this; I love writing. I do care about marriage; I reject that agreement” and so on.

The effect was almost instantaneous. In but a few moments, my heart was light, I was looking forward to the day, my inspiration for writing returned.

Take agreements seriously, dear friends. Ask God to reveal to you the ones you’ve been making. Sometimes the “revealing” will come when you make the agreement again, you catch yourself saying it out loud and you realize, “Wow – that’s an agreement.” Sometimes it’s something that plays “in your head,” in your thought life. Sometimes the Lord will speak to you what it is, or show you the topic you’ve got to look at. However it comes, he will show you.

Then, break them. It’ll do you a great good.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Goodbye Cowboy

I have been enthralled by John Eldredge's sequel to "Wild At Heart" called "The Way Of The Wild At Heart". I think I am challenged even more by this book than I was when reading the original. Though there are many things that have peaked my interest, the stages of a man are what I am enjoying most, analyzing where I am at and where I am going.
Though the stages are fluid John contends that you cannot really pass into the next until you have completed it. I realized I have been a cowboy for far to long. There are both positives and negatives in this stage, and God has a balance just like everything else. The cowboy on on the far right of the spectrum becomes Peter Pan, forever a boy, abdicating his responsibilities. I am sure you either know or know of a Peter Pan, these are the guys whose Mom is still buying them groceries and paying their bills. Playing video games all day or engrossed in some sort of hobby or sport that occupies all their time, energy and thoughts. Or maybe they are a thrill seeker always looking for that next great adrenaline high snowboarding in the mountains or bungee jumping off a bridge.
On the far left we have what John refers to as the kitchen window boy. This is the man that because of his own fears or the fears of those closest to him has declared that life is too dangerous and chooses to be a spectator, not taking the risks and or embracing the "danger" that comes naturally to a boy\man. He is generally unfulfilled with his life but it is safe.
When I look back on my life I can see how I have bounced back and forth between the two. Maturity comes when you can balance both and ride the line between. Accepting the "wild side" and embracing it but knowing that it in itself will not bring fulfillment.
I know my wife has waited many years to see the cowboy ride off into the sunset. There is something attractive about the cowboy, his freedom of spirit, his dreams but it is always the desire of the woman that he will pass through this stage and become the warrior she sees inside. The problem is, many of us don't see the warrior ourselves and wallow in "cowboyness" way too long.
The biggest question of the cowboy is "do I have what it takes?". This is where the role of a a father is so important for a boy. Through training and discipleship he has the power like no other in a boys life to bring a boy to a place where he can affirm his son and say "yes, you have what it takes".
That is why Matthew 3:17 chokes me up "and behold, a voice out of the heavens said, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." Basically, God is saying "Go get em boy". If Jesus needed that from his father before starting his ministry, how much more do we earthly men need that affirmation.
I used to grieve, my heart would literally ache when I came to the realization that my father would never bestow this on me. Thank God for Jesus, he came to this world to die for me, and now I am restored to my rightful place, as the son of my true Father God. And He HAS affirmed me, He has said I have what it takes!
There is still a desire in me a blessing from and earthy father, whether biological or spiritual, but I don't need to wait for that any longer. At this point it would be an unexpected blessing, the cherry on top of the whipped cream (if I liked cherries but the example suffices). Goodbye "Cowboy Joe", awaken The Warrior!

The Process Of Manhood

We have no respect for due process anymore. Our society is making us more and more accustomed to instant gratification so that when we do have to wait, it grinds on our rights and feels wrong. We don't have to wait for our meals or coffee. If I want to get a hold of you I don't have to wait, I can call, email or text you, instantly. There is no waiting to have our photos developed, with digital cameras it is instant. Even our fashion has been affected by our instant world. If you bought a pair of jeans, it typically would come from the factory, perfect material and color. Now, that desired character can be bought, pre-ripped and pre-faded. Character that can be bought and worn immediately.
God is a God of process, if you want and oak tree, you have to start with an acorn. If you want a bible, it is written over the course of a thousand years, penned by a hundred different saints. If you want a man, you need to start with a boy.
The process of becoming a man does not happen instantaneously, it is a time tested formula that needs to age not unlike a good wine. The lie that many of us fall into is that we can get where we want to be without the process.
Ironically, a movie that illustrates the due process of a man very well is a childs cartoon. I have never looked at the movie Lion King this way until it was pointed out to me, but there are actually many "coming of age" stories out there that illustrate stages from boyhood to manhood.
In the Lion King you have a boy...er cub, Simba that is enjoying the ways of a boy, smart pranks, taking risks with out a care in the world. He looks, talks and acts like a boy even to the point of his mommy bathing him. His father loves him, tries to focus the youngsters energy and even saves his life. This stage is simply the "Beloved Son" stage.
Then tragedy strikes, his father is killed and like many men we may know he is all of a sudden he is thrust into another stage of life. This next stage sees him running from all he has known and all he is destined to become and he forgets who he is. He lives life without responsibility and thrives in immaturity. This stage is the "Cowboy" stage.
Next he meets Nala, and falls in love and moves into another stage of life, being called to be the "lover" of a woman. They have a perfect relationship until she realizes that the one she loves is a coward and running from his destiny. Amidst his pain he runs from her and runs into the monkey Rafiki, who is able to lead him back to father to embrace his destiny. Simba as the rightful heir to the throne and he runs back to his homeland to battle his evil uncle and take back the kingship, here for the first time we see him rise to the occasion and we see him as a "The Warrior".
The final stage though less eventful than the others is just as important as it completes the other stages, it adds a period to the sentence of Simba's life, this is the stage of King. We see a new wisdom in his face as he surveys his subjects bowing to him, honor and justice has been restored in the land.
Those are the four stages of manhood, the boy, the cowboy, the warrior and the king.
The more I think about it, if this weren't a cartoon, and the story played out with some macho character I think this movie cold be seen as gritty as any other guy flick like Braveheart or Gladiator.
I think it is interesting to note that a mid-life crisis usually finds a man feeling like he has missed a stage in his life and many times he reverts back to the cowboy stage, often times abdicating his responsibilities but that's for another discussion.

Heart Motivations

I am feeling a little low the last couple days, God has been downloading a lot of stuff to me and most of it has been very convicting. I am thankful for people who God had placed in my life to point out the things I don't see, but honestly it is really hard to hear sometimes. I have been the "nice guy" for so much of my life, nice guys don't have faults, and they are really humble in a prideful way.
I have become really passionate about a men's ministry tool called "Men's Fraternity", which has really impacted me on my healing journey. Naturally since it has helped me so much I have gotten really passionate about bringing it to other men so that they may enjoy the freedom that I have been given. But there was something that just has not been sitting right with me, and has given me a caution. When promoting the material to others I have felt like a salesman and my spirit really questions that. Should we ever have to try to sell God? Of course not! God living inside of us should impact those around us that they want what we have.
Just yesterday morning I was having breakfast when God just spoke to me while I was text messaging Darcy. When I heard it I didn't want to believe it, but I knew it was the truth. The reason I have been so passionate about bringing Men's Fraternity to other men is really speaking of the insecurities inside of me. Deep down my feelings have been that I have nothing to offer myself.
I have never realized until now how dishonoring that is to God, after all it is He who is doing the healing in me, not a program. He is the one who has brought my heart to a point where it can be molded and used for his purposes. God does use programs, organizations and people but He is the one behind it all.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

It is amazing how you can fool yourself, and tell yourself that I am doing what I am doing for God's glory and not for my own. This is especially true when it comes to doing things in the Church or for some sort of ministry. After all it is for God, how can it be wrong.
I have enough on my plate right now, but I know from past experience that one of the scariest prayer I have prayed was for God to reveal things in my heart that I did not know where there.

Optimus Prime, Father To The Fatherless

In 1986, the original Prime did something that distinguished him from most other cartoon heroes. He died. He died for freedom, for righteousness”. Scott Brown of Wired Magazine goes on to assert that American culture American males are looking forward to the July 4th release of the “live-action” Transformers movie for “more than galvanic summer thrills or simple nostalgia. They’re looking for redemption, as men.”

“Prime practically parented the latchkey kids of the mid-”80s. He was our Allfather at a time when flesh-and-blood role models were increasingly few and far between”.

I remember scrambling to the television when voice actor Peter Cullen would command the troops to “Roll out!” and my second father with a voice like John Wayne playing Abraham Lincoln would contort into a Mack Truck, rev his engine, and roll his crushing 16-wheels down the heroic highway, barreling over the face of evil with unstoppable resolve. An action figure, Rubik’s cube, and Tonka toy all rolled into one, combined with an unshakable morality and sacrificial love, even the “tech specs” on his packaging in 1984 proclaimed his mission to bring freedom to “all sentient beings”. 23 years later, his steely face is plastered on a poster with a single word: “protect”. It’s no wonder so many boys laid their weekly allowance on the energon altar.

Little did we know it would do more than simply enhance merchandising; it would give a generation something to believe in when dad and the local parish had failed; it would give boys an animated role model. and perhaps even a Cybertronian god.

This is why so many people I know are polarized: excited or exacerbated, feverish or furious, titillated or ticked off, by the Michael Bay directed / Steven Spielberg produced return of Optimus and the bots, transforming into box office revenue on 2007’s Independence Day.

The question on everyone’s lips: “When Papa comes truckin’ home, will we recognize him?”

With a lack of faith in earthly fathers, and lacking a relationship with God, who is our Father, I can see the grand attraction of a robot that is both “Optimal” and in his “Prime”. Intentional or not, there is something godlike built into the stoic Autobot Commander, a titanium trinity imaging a loving Father, a sacrificial Son, and even an indwelling Spirit represented by the “Matrix of Leadership” he carries in his heart (or cab). To a lesser degree, he also represents a rugged, brass-knuckle, rubber-meets-the-road manliness that contemporary culture has slowly leeched from its men. Optimus Prime is a desperate grab for God, daddy, and lost masculinity.

“With bated breath and shaken faith we await the return of our Almighty Rig. Because without Prime, we’re stuck with whiney Spider-boys, metrosexual pirates, and koan-spouting kung-fu Christs in designer sunglasses and unisex clubwear. Because these days, the only real men left are giant robots.”

Just a toy? Purely nostalgia? I don't think so. Truly, there is something going on here that is more than meets the eye.

Even More California Pictures

Disneyland

Bar Barakah - Cermonial Blessing

My aunt and uncle just loaned me an awesome book on Christian ceremonial blessings, called Bar Barakah, by Craig Hill. With the journey I am on it has really resonated with my spirit because I have longed for something to confirm me as a man. How does any boy or girl in our society know when they have passed that stage of childhood and are on the road to being an adult?
Craig Hill talks in his book about the need for a ceremonial blessing in a person's life, man or woman. He mentions people in their are many people in their 30's, 40's and even 50's that are still under their parents and not feeling like they truly are an adult. He says that at one conference he was at an older man piped up saying that that feeling doesn't go away in your eighties either.
Many societies have some sort of ritual, like the Jewish Bar Mitzvah. In "Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalbey he talks about a polygamist African tribe that at the age of maturity calls the boy out of his mothers house and takes him away to learn about the history of his people, learn trades of being a man and fasting with prayer. When the boy comes back to the village he is no longer in his mothers house, his father builds him his own hut and gives him a plot of land to farm. And it isn't until he is well established in these things that he is allowed to see his mother again, at which point he is reintroduced to her as a man, lest she steals away his manhood with her mothering.
What does our society provide to initiate us into manhood? Well, a couple that Dalbey mentions are the ability to drive, buy cigarettes, go to the bar and buy pornographic material. He also mentions join the army and one I thought about was to ability to go to the casino and gamble. So what do these really communicate to those coming of age? Well a generality would be that adulthood means having the ability to do destructive things (other than driving but that would depend on how you drive).
For me it was driving, I longed for that day for years. In fact I started taking my Dad's truck out and driving on back streets and ally's when I was 13 and 14. I just couldn't wait. But like many other things in my life that I had expected to confirm my manhood, this too was empty and left me disappointed.
The Christian blessing ceremony called the Bar Barakah would be a major milestone in the life of the one who is blessed enough to have one. Craig Hill in the book compares it to a marriage ceremony, and ascribes as much importance. He asked those who are married, how do you know you are married? Most people were able to look back on their wedding day as how they knew. He asked if there was ever any doubt that you were ever "really" married and again there was no doubt because of the ceremony. That is the importance of ceremony. Imagine if you were able to look back on your life and remember your Bar Barakah, and know that this was the day you became a man. On this day your father imparted his blessing to you and declared before all your families friends and relatives "This is my son, in whom I am well pleased. Today my son, you are a man, before us and before God". After that day a child's life would be totally different, he would be granted new freedoms and be treated with a new respect.
I fully intend to do this with my son and study this more over the next while, as my son will be coming of age in the next 4 or 5 years. It excites me to think of how great it will be, and how he will have what I never had. He will never have to wonder when and if he really is a man.

More California Pictures

My sisters Wedding Day and Legoland.

25 Ways To Be A Servant-Leader

This is an excerpt from session 21 from Men's Fraternity. I struggle with the majority of these but when I read them my spirit just leaps in agreement that this is my calling in my home.

1. A servant-leader includes his wife in envisioning the future.
2. A servant-leader accepts spiritual responsibility for his family.
3. A servant-leader is willing to say “I’m sorry” and “Forgive me” to his family.
4. A servant-leader discusses household responsibilities with his wife and makes sure they are fairly distributed.
5. A servant-leader seeks the consultation of his wife on all major financial decisions.
6. A servant-leader follows through with commitments he has made to his wife.
7. A servant-leader anticipates the different seasons his marriage will pass through.
8. A servant-leader anticipates the different stages his children will pass through.
9. A servant-leader frequently tells his wife what he likes about her.
10. A servant-leader provides financially for his family’s basic living expenses.
11. A servant-leader deals with distractions so he can talk with his wife and family.
12. A servant-leader prays with his wife on a regular basis.
13. A servant-leader initiates meaningful family traditions.
14. A servant-leader plans fun outings for the family on a regular basis.
15. A servant-leader takes the time to give his children practical instruction about life, which in turn gives them confidence with their peers.
16. A servant-leader manages the schedule of the home and anticipates any pressure points.
17. A servant-leader keeps his family financially sound and out of harmful debt.
18. A servant-leader makes sure he and his wife have drawn up a will and arranged a well-conceived plan for their children in case of death.
19. A servant-leader lets his wife and children into the interior of his life.
20. A servant-leader honors his wife often in public.
21. A servant-leader explains sex to each child in a way that gives them a whole-some perspective.
22. A servant-leader encourages his wife to grow as an individual.
23. A servant-leader takes the lead in establishing with his wife sound, biblically-supportable family values.
24. A servant-leader joins a small group of men who are dedicated to improving their skills as a man, husband, and father.
25. A servant-leader provides time for his wife to pursue her own personal interests.

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Some Great Quotes

There is a "tear" in the masculine soul-a gaping hole or wound and into this hole demons have fled- demons of insecurity, selfishness and despair. Consequently men do not know who they are as men. Rather they define themselves by what they do, who they know or what they own.

As we bring our insecurity, unforgiven and immature thought/behavior patterns to the Lord honestly and vulnerably, He can free us from our pain and weakness and both lead and empower us to live a new way.

Unfortunately for themselves, their families, and their communities (men) have been satisfied with surface definitions of their masculinity, and have not probed the wonders of their deep masculine selves. Were they to choose to do so, our word would be a much different place, for men would be able once again to truly lead, guide, and direct their own lives and others. They would be able to carry their fair share of the burdens of our human and Christian communities. They would once again be truly able to enjoy their lives, not in selfishness, but in the wonder of contributing their strength for the well being of others.

Ted Dobson
Catholic Priest

Masculinity in a Feminized World

It is hard to speak about feminism, because from a man's perspective there are some things that are just not right. And I am not sure our feminized society is willing to receive it.
Before we get too far into that we need to acknowledge the wrongs that men inflicted on women, wrongs that gave a need for the feminist movement in the first place. Men crossed barriers when they took a God given role of leadership and used it to dominate and rule over the wife and family with cruelty. If men had treated women with the respect and honor they deserved there likely would not have been a feminist movement. But here is the problem, it seems as though we swung the pendulum too far the other direction.

Was the "Masculinity Movement" ready to abdicate power?

Of course there has not been a "Masculinity Movement" (although at times I think if we keep the direction we are going we will have one) but it did seem like men gave up without a fight. It makes me think of the strategy that the English had to get rid of the Scottish during the time of William Wallace. The right of "prima noctes" was the right of the English lord to bed the bride of a Scotsman on her wedding night, in as such "breeding" them out.
It seems like it only took one generation to turn the tides of the genders, as it was only in the early 60's that feminism really caught on. Feminism in itself is alright and was\is possibly needed, but it goes too far when it crosses the equality line and starts to take war against masculinity and the attributes of manhood.
The battle is not only in the Human Rights tribunals, or in the media. It has creeped into our churches across North America

I read on a blog recently the following:

"I work at helping my children see the manhood of Christ. But, I’m afraid that I don’t get a lot of help in this regard. As I observe the typical church, listening to sermons and Bible studies I often hear only the softer side of Christ presented. As a matter of fact, I recently asked participants in two seminars to list characteristics of Christ. In both the women’s seminar and the men’s seminar, the descriptors were words like, loving, forgiving, kind, compassionate, gentle. There were very few words that would have been compelling to men."

Even our churches are infected with it.

"I agree Christ was all of these things. He was the most incredible example of each of these characteristics, but that’s not all he was. He was also the most worthwhile example of courage, tenacity, service, assertiveness, righteousness, leadership, determination and Godliness. These are characteristics that are more likely to get a man’s attention. But we don’t hear about these things often enough from our pulpits or in our Bible studies."

I love to think about Jesus, when he enters the temple and sees the money changers defiling his father's house. I like how in John 2:15 it says Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them out. This is such a beautiful picture because Jesus is angry, yet he does not sin. I love picturing my savior running around this temple with fire in his eyes and lashing a whip. That's my man!

In Christina Hoff-Sommers book The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men we see how even secular culture is seeing the potential for damage. In a review of the book, the reviewer states:

"This book tells the story of how it has become fashionable to attribute pathology to millions of healthy male children. It is a story of how we are turning against boys and forgetting a simple truth: that the energy, competitiveness, and corporal daring of normal, decent males is responsible for much of what is right in the world. No one denies that boys’ aggressive tendencies must be checked and channeled in constructive ways. Boys need discipline, respect, and moral guidance. Boys need love and tolerant understanding. They do not need to be pathologized."

And my favorite quote:

"it’s a bad time to be a boy in America. . . ."

I believe that there is an all out war on men (though very subtle), we are trying to smudge the lines in the name of equality but damaging the goods in the process. We need to realized that when a man rises up is not at the expense of a woman. Not only that, but if men do not rise up, there will not be any men left.

Wounded Heros

It is annoying how your ideals can change when new information is added. I think of how Halloween was such a fun day growing up. I never got into the scariness of it, but I did enjoy dressing up and getting candy. There was never a question as to if you were going to go out trick or treating, that is just what you did. Fast forward to adulthood and you find out its horrible roots, and the spiritual implications and all of a sudden as a Christian father you are wondering if you even want to participate in such a horrible festivity.

Another example somewhat similar would be from the movie "The Matrix". At one point Morpheus confronts Neo with a choice, red pill or blue pill. Red pill everything stays the same and life continues as you know it, blue pill you find out the truth of your existence.

I have had few male role models in my life, and growing up I really had no one that was willing to really invest in me. To spend quality time with me and showing me what it meant to be a man. At some point in my childhood I attached to my Grandpa. Even though I cannot remember him ever really investing into me, one on one, I saw some traits in him that I admired. And at some point I decided I wanted to model my life after his.

As a man I now ask myself what it was that I saw in him. First and foremost I knew he was respected and considered wise by those that were close to him. Second he was a man of faith. While he still had his eyesight he was constantly reading the bible and his daily bread devotional was always on that days date, having been read that very morning. We were always blessed to have him ask the family get-together's meal because when he prayed he prayed as a man who knew the God whom he was praying to. I knew he was a gentle man, soft spoken and slow to anger. Compared to my own father my Grandpa was his opposite, and as painful as it is to admit I was looking for my father's opposite.

Going through my masculine healing journey I have come to some realizations that in many ways caused me to build my foundations on sand. Grandpa was a wonderful man, and I do not want anyone to hear anything other than my admiration for who he was, because I loved him very much. But I have realized the he was not that different than me. He was wounded.

He grew up in an alcoholic home and I can only assume his way of dealing with his alcoholic father was to just get quiet. He married my Grandma and from everything I can gather she was very similar to his own Dad in her harshness and controlling of him. My Mom had recounted many memories from her childhood of my Grandma verbally beating my Grandpa into submission. Grandma also had the gift of gab which took the pressure off Grandpa to be the conversationalist. And so he fell into the background which is where he seem content to be.

Both my Mom and my Uncle have recounted to me how even though Grandpa was there in body during their childhood he wasn't really there emotionally. And in may ways he cheated his children from any emotion, positive or negative. He met the Lord when he was a young man and through his many years of reading the word had much wisdom, but to tap into his wisdom you had to almost force it out of him. I can appreciate how he would have felt beat down by my Grandma, but what was it in him that was okay with his passivity?

It has only been through revelation in my healing that I have been able to recognize the same wound in both of us. I hypothesize that my Grandpa struggled with the question of what it means to be a man as well. I think the fact that I looked to my Grandpa as a masculine role model really communicates how mixed up I was. One of my favorite books (Raising a Modern Day Knight) has the best definition of manhood. author Robert Lewis defines it as:

"....someone who rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously, and expects the greater reward; God's reward".

That is the awesome thing about God, realizing this does not bring resentment. Actually the opposite, I see my Grandpa as a fellow wounded man and it brings me much compassion for him. I wish Grandpa could have been the man God created him to be, I wish he could have been a courageous leader, but regardless I know he was a man after God's heart and I will see him again someday.

The Quest for Authentic Manhood

This has been a long journey for me. It started when our first son was born, I was newly married and working a minimum wage job. I was confronted with the fact that I could no longer sluff off my responsibilities in life, it was time to be a man. The scary thing was that I had no idea what that meant. I started to make some small steps in my life that I thought would fulfill that need, like going back to school. It helped for a bit, but still left me empty. For three years I tried to ignore the calling while comforting myself with my vices. In 2000 my world came crashing down and I was violently confronted with my ignorance towards this subject. I was left even more confused and heaped a whole pile of hurt on top of it.

I sought out other men, surely I am not the only one feeling like this. The first couple of guys I shared my questions with more or less ran from me as if I were diseased. I now realize that for them, even though they may have appeared to have masculinity cased on the outside really didn't know any more than me. They were just able to fake it better. And they really didn't want to confront something that was that "deep", after all we are men, we are self sufficient. When you are hurting and somebody tells you just to "buck up" and continue on and actually shames you for acknowledging your hurt, that can be really damaging to a man psyche.

Eventually I did find some companions for my journey, but there is a danger in just healing enough that the hurt goes away, but not really dealing with the wound. For me, to deal with the wound I have had to dig deep, deep inside and confront some ugly things that I really don't want to admit are there. I have had to dig back to my childhood and recognize some of the things that were missing and other areas that were overdone. Its sounds like a long process and in some ways it is, but the healing is so worth it. I have dealt with this all my married life and have cheated my wife and children from having the real me. My wife says that deep down she has always been able to see the man I now am, but the "log jams" in my life have stopped me from reaching my potential.

Where do I go next? The journey of healing is really just beginning. A friend encouraged me when I was sharing with him that the healing, freedom and empowerment that I am now experiencing is only a drop in the bucket compared to the total healing, freedom and empowerment that He will bestow on me. Very exciting. I have not arrived, and I am very aware of this, but at least I know where I am going and am embracing the journey.