Missing Person

Many times God has given me songs that reflect my heart at a peticular moment in my life. This one just played on the radio. No coincidence.

Micheal W Smith - Missing Person

Another question in me
One for the powers that be
It's got me thrown and so
I Put on my poker face
And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence
Feeling so out of place

Guarded and cynical now
Can't help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a
Rock beating inside of me
So I reel, such a stoic ordeal
Where's that feeling that I don't feel?

Chorus:

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I've been searching for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be

Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That's chipping away at my soul
I've been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home?

Chorus:

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I've been searching for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately but
I've been searching for that missing

From there to here

I have struggled with everything I have written in this blog and have been intentionally keeping away from it as it is a painful place to go.

Everything I wrote here was like a fire in my heart at the time I wrote it and now FEELS like a distant memory. I have asked myself who "Firestarter" is and as the difference between him and me FEELS like the difference between night and day.

It FEELS like one moment you are soaring on wings like eagles, the next you are crawling in the sewers.

In "Lifting my voice" I made declarations and statements like "never" and "always" and I FEEL ashamed that I have not kept these commitments.

I am such a FEELING person. I am ruled by my FEELINGS.

I can remember at one point of my Christian walk when I was feeling like this. I had only been born again for a short time and I was going from Christian high to Christian high. If it wasn't a really great alter call at church it was an incredible Promise Keepers rally or some special speaker that came to town and had all the answers to my problems. I bought the book, the audio cassette and the video and they sit on my shelf unopened since that time.

All of a sudden there were no speakers coming to town, no Promise Keepers and those alter calls just weren't stirring me to get out of my seat like they used to. And like the spiritual junky I am I went into withdrawal.

"Where are you God, why don't I feel you?!"

"I am not a FEELING."

He then showed me a vision of my life. He showed me a mountain that I was climbing that I could never see the top of. I kept trying to get to the top but could never reach it. I FELT that there was more, I just needed to try a little harder.
He then told me to stop and look at the truth of His word. When I stopped and looked the cloud moved away and I saw that my feet we at the top of the mountain and there was nothing more to climb I was already at the top. He also showed me that the He was the mountain, the rock on which I must plant my foundation.

I was given that vision at least 8 years ago. You would think that by now I would learn. This just goes to show how weak my foundation is, and that I have not built my faith on the rock, but rather my feelings.

So I am a spiritual junky. They say in AA that admission is the first step to recovery.

So how do you rebuild your house on stone when you have built it on sand?

Looks like I have some demolition and construction to do.