Friday, December 29, 2006

Auto Pilot

Have you ever seen the movie "Click" with Adam Sandler? This movie was one that we expected little from, but enjoyed a lot. In the movie the main character gets a remote control that allows him to fast forward his life, or skip to other chapters. When he skips a chapter he is not actually conscious and goes into "auto pilot" where he is there, but not really there. He gets the stuff done that he needs to but life just takes him along and he is not really a part of it.
It is amazing how this example really sums up how I am feeling right now. I am just rushing along on the wings of life and yet somehow, it feels like life is passing me by.
Is this how I am coping with the grief of losing my son? A good part of me is hoping so and therefore I am doing little to stop it. But there is a part of me that tells me it is wrong and that I have got to snap out of it.
At first it felt good to have the busyness of getting the basement finished, as it helped me to get my mind off of Caleb and the hurt I was feeling, but now I am seeing it as an escape and a way not to deal with things.
Of course as Christmas approached work became busier and busier, then we ourselves got into the "routine" of rushing around to the different homes. And now that everything is over I find myself bitter.
I am angry that I only had a week after Caleb passed before having to go back to work . I am resentful that our contractor needed to be done our basement before Dec 15th, leaving a load of work for me and no time to grieve. I am frustrated how differently my wife and I are dealing with grieving and how we never seem to be able to see eye to eye. I am upset that it seems I have no time to deal with the loss of my son and that I feel so distant from God.
In many ways it feels like nobody cares about my grieving process, I am just expected to go back to normal life.
Well, sorry for pooping all over you, just venting.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Life Continues

As much as I wish I could crawl into a small hole somewhere and hibernate, life continues and things need to get done. After Caleb's passing all of my motivation for finishing our basement was gone, I didn't even want to look at it. But our contractor wanted to get it done before he shut down for Christmas vacation on the 15th of December.
So I was faced with one of two options, either wait until sometime in late January or February to continue, or get my grieving but in gear and get it done. Our baby is coming late February or March and I did not want to be doing insulation, drywall, paint ect with a new born in the house so we started work again.

Insulation and vapor barrier

Our bedroom all insulated

Ryan, my most faithful helper

Bedroom drywalled and mudded

The bathroom and bathtub Sarah has been longing to use

The box of screws I have accidentally dumped at least a dozen times

Since Friday I have had many friends and family help me, and many late nights. There is no way this ever could have gotten to this point without their help and I am so thankful. It really is overwhelming when people go out of their way to help you by rolling up their sleeves and getting their hands dirty.

Unqualified To Drive\Live

Were you driving today? Try and think of your drive to work or wherever you were going and ask yourself how aware were you of your driv...