I have struggled with everything I have written in this blog and have been intentionally keeping away from it as it is a painful place to go.
Everything I wrote here was like a fire in my heart at the time I wrote it and now FEELS like a distant memory. I have asked myself who "Firestarter" is and as the difference between him and me FEELS like the difference between night and day.
It FEELS like one moment you are soaring on wings like eagles, the next you are crawling in the sewers.
In "Lifting my voice" I made declarations and statements like "never" and "always" and I FEEL ashamed that I have not kept these commitments.
I am such a FEELING person. I am ruled by my FEELINGS.
I can remember at one point of my Christian walk when I was feeling like this. I had only been born again for a short time and I was going from Christian high to Christian high. If it wasn't a really great alter call at church it was an incredible Promise Keepers rally or some special speaker that came to town and had all the answers to my problems. I bought the book, the audio cassette and the video and they sit on my shelf unopened since that time.
All of a sudden there were no speakers coming to town, no Promise Keepers and those alter calls just weren't stirring me to get out of my seat like they used to. And like the spiritual junky I am I went into withdrawal.
"Where are you God, why don't I feel you?!"
"I am not a FEELING."
He then showed me a vision of my life. He showed me a mountain that I was climbing that I could never see the top of. I kept trying to get to the top but could never reach it. I FELT that there was more, I just needed to try a little harder.
He then told me to stop and look at the truth of His word. When I stopped and looked the cloud moved away and I saw that my feet we at the top of the mountain and there was nothing more to climb I was already at the top. He also showed me that the He was the mountain, the rock on which I must plant my foundation.
I was given that vision at least 8 years ago. You would think that by now I would learn. This just goes to show how weak my foundation is, and that I have not built my faith on the rock, but rather my feelings.
So I am a spiritual junky. They say in AA that admission is the first step to recovery.
So how do you rebuild your house on stone when you have built it on sand?
Looks like I have some demolition and construction to do.
2 comments:
It blesses me to hear you again firestarter. The beauty of our God is that you can move the plot of your house in an instant! From sand to rock. His mercies are new every morning! But it's the steps of obedience that slowly builds the rest. He is the engineer, the designer. He provides the building blocks and the nails. You just need to follow his lead on what to do.
You are truly a beautiful person. One I admire and want to honor.
Hey buddy
Don't beat yourself up over this. The fact that you are feeling these things is a direct indication that God is at work in your life. You asked "how do I lay my foundation on the rock when it has been build on sand"
Well my friend, God has me in the same place. He said to me the other night "You cannot own your convictions based on other peoples experiences" That said, it means that God wants you to lay your foundation on his written word, lay it on his presence. Soak in the presence of God. Heck lets do it together. When your house is built on that then whether or not you "feel" right or not you will stand on Gods truth. I am committed to you and if there is anything that God would have me do to support you in this then I'm in.
I love you my friend
(I would suggest that you change your comment box so that anyone can comment, right now only those registered with blogger can comment. You can do that through your blogger account)
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