The Quest for Authentic Manhood

This has been a long journey for me. It started when our first son was born, I was newly married and working a minimum wage job. I was confronted with the fact that I could no longer sluff off my responsibilities in life, it was time to be a man. The scary thing was that I had no idea what that meant. I started to make some small steps in my life that I thought would fulfill that need, like going back to school. It helped for a bit, but still left me empty. For three years I tried to ignore the calling while comforting myself with my vices. In 2000 my world came crashing down and I was violently confronted with my ignorance towards this subject. I was left even more confused and heaped a whole pile of hurt on top of it.

I sought out other men, surely I am not the only one feeling like this. The first couple of guys I shared my questions with more or less ran from me as if I were diseased. I now realize that for them, even though they may have appeared to have masculinity cased on the outside really didn't know any more than me. They were just able to fake it better. And they really didn't want to confront something that was that "deep", after all we are men, we are self sufficient. When you are hurting and somebody tells you just to "buck up" and continue on and actually shames you for acknowledging your hurt, that can be really damaging to a man psyche.

Eventually I did find some companions for my journey, but there is a danger in just healing enough that the hurt goes away, but not really dealing with the wound. For me, to deal with the wound I have had to dig deep, deep inside and confront some ugly things that I really don't want to admit are there. I have had to dig back to my childhood and recognize some of the things that were missing and other areas that were overdone. Its sounds like a long process and in some ways it is, but the healing is so worth it. I have dealt with this all my married life and have cheated my wife and children from having the real me. My wife says that deep down she has always been able to see the man I now am, but the "log jams" in my life have stopped me from reaching my potential.

Where do I go next? The journey of healing is really just beginning. A friend encouraged me when I was sharing with him that the healing, freedom and empowerment that I am now experiencing is only a drop in the bucket compared to the total healing, freedom and empowerment that He will bestow on me. Very exciting. I have not arrived, and I am very aware of this, but at least I know where I am going and am embracing the journey.