If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Goodbye Cowboy

I have been enthralled by John Eldredge's sequel to "Wild At Heart" called "The Way Of The Wild At Heart". I think I am challenged even more by this book than I was when reading the original. Though there are many things that have peaked my interest, the stages of a man are what I am enjoying most, analyzing where I am at and where I am going.
Though the stages are fluid John contends that you cannot really pass into the next until you have completed it. I realized I have been a cowboy for far to long. There are both positives and negatives in this stage, and God has a balance just like everything else. The cowboy on on the far right of the spectrum becomes Peter Pan, forever a boy, abdicating his responsibilities. I am sure you either know or know of a Peter Pan, these are the guys whose Mom is still buying them groceries and paying their bills. Playing video games all day or engrossed in some sort of hobby or sport that occupies all their time, energy and thoughts. Or maybe they are a thrill seeker always looking for that next great adrenaline high snowboarding in the mountains or bungee jumping off a bridge.
On the far left we have what John refers to as the kitchen window boy. This is the man that because of his own fears or the fears of those closest to him has declared that life is too dangerous and chooses to be a spectator, not taking the risks and or embracing the "danger" that comes naturally to a boy\man. He is generally unfulfilled with his life but it is safe.
When I look back on my life I can see how I have bounced back and forth between the two. Maturity comes when you can balance both and ride the line between. Accepting the "wild side" and embracing it but knowing that it in itself will not bring fulfillment.
I know my wife has waited many years to see the cowboy ride off into the sunset. There is something attractive about the cowboy, his freedom of spirit, his dreams but it is always the desire of the woman that he will pass through this stage and become the warrior she sees inside. The problem is, many of us don't see the warrior ourselves and wallow in "cowboyness" way too long.
The biggest question of the cowboy is "do I have what it takes?". This is where the role of a a father is so important for a boy. Through training and discipleship he has the power like no other in a boys life to bring a boy to a place where he can affirm his son and say "yes, you have what it takes".
That is why Matthew 3:17 chokes me up "and behold, a voice out of the heavens said, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." Basically, God is saying "Go get em boy". If Jesus needed that from his father before starting his ministry, how much more do we earthly men need that affirmation.
I used to grieve, my heart would literally ache when I came to the realization that my father would never bestow this on me. Thank God for Jesus, he came to this world to die for me, and now I am restored to my rightful place, as the son of my true Father God. And He HAS affirmed me, He has said I have what it takes!
There is still a desire in me a blessing from and earthy father, whether biological or spiritual, but I don't need to wait for that any longer. At this point it would be an unexpected blessing, the cherry on top of the whipped cream (if I liked cherries but the example suffices). Goodbye "Cowboy Joe", awaken The Warrior!

The Process Of Manhood

We have no respect for due process anymore. Our society is making us more and more accustomed to instant gratification so that when we do have to wait, it grinds on our rights and feels wrong. We don't have to wait for our meals or coffee. If I want to get a hold of you I don't have to wait, I can call, email or text you, instantly. There is no waiting to have our photos developed, with digital cameras it is instant. Even our fashion has been affected by our instant world. If you bought a pair of jeans, it typically would come from the factory, perfect material and color. Now, that desired character can be bought, pre-ripped and pre-faded. Character that can be bought and worn immediately.
God is a God of process, if you want and oak tree, you have to start with an acorn. If you want a bible, it is written over the course of a thousand years, penned by a hundred different saints. If you want a man, you need to start with a boy.
The process of becoming a man does not happen instantaneously, it is a time tested formula that needs to age not unlike a good wine. The lie that many of us fall into is that we can get where we want to be without the process.
Ironically, a movie that illustrates the due process of a man very well is a childs cartoon. I have never looked at the movie Lion King this way until it was pointed out to me, but there are actually many "coming of age" stories out there that illustrate stages from boyhood to manhood.
In the Lion King you have a boy...er cub, Simba that is enjoying the ways of a boy, smart pranks, taking risks with out a care in the world. He looks, talks and acts like a boy even to the point of his mommy bathing him. His father loves him, tries to focus the youngsters energy and even saves his life. This stage is simply the "Beloved Son" stage.
Then tragedy strikes, his father is killed and like many men we may know he is all of a sudden he is thrust into another stage of life. This next stage sees him running from all he has known and all he is destined to become and he forgets who he is. He lives life without responsibility and thrives in immaturity. This stage is the "Cowboy" stage.
Next he meets Nala, and falls in love and moves into another stage of life, being called to be the "lover" of a woman. They have a perfect relationship until she realizes that the one she loves is a coward and running from his destiny. Amidst his pain he runs from her and runs into the monkey Rafiki, who is able to lead him back to father to embrace his destiny. Simba as the rightful heir to the throne and he runs back to his homeland to battle his evil uncle and take back the kingship, here for the first time we see him rise to the occasion and we see him as a "The Warrior".
The final stage though less eventful than the others is just as important as it completes the other stages, it adds a period to the sentence of Simba's life, this is the stage of King. We see a new wisdom in his face as he surveys his subjects bowing to him, honor and justice has been restored in the land.
Those are the four stages of manhood, the boy, the cowboy, the warrior and the king.
The more I think about it, if this weren't a cartoon, and the story played out with some macho character I think this movie cold be seen as gritty as any other guy flick like Braveheart or Gladiator.
I think it is interesting to note that a mid-life crisis usually finds a man feeling like he has missed a stage in his life and many times he reverts back to the cowboy stage, often times abdicating his responsibilities but that's for another discussion.

Heart Motivations

I am feeling a little low the last couple days, God has been downloading a lot of stuff to me and most of it has been very convicting. I am thankful for people who God had placed in my life to point out the things I don't see, but honestly it is really hard to hear sometimes. I have been the "nice guy" for so much of my life, nice guys don't have faults, and they are really humble in a prideful way.
I have become really passionate about a men's ministry tool called "Men's Fraternity", which has really impacted me on my healing journey. Naturally since it has helped me so much I have gotten really passionate about bringing it to other men so that they may enjoy the freedom that I have been given. But there was something that just has not been sitting right with me, and has given me a caution. When promoting the material to others I have felt like a salesman and my spirit really questions that. Should we ever have to try to sell God? Of course not! God living inside of us should impact those around us that they want what we have.
Just yesterday morning I was having breakfast when God just spoke to me while I was text messaging Darcy. When I heard it I didn't want to believe it, but I knew it was the truth. The reason I have been so passionate about bringing Men's Fraternity to other men is really speaking of the insecurities inside of me. Deep down my feelings have been that I have nothing to offer myself.
I have never realized until now how dishonoring that is to God, after all it is He who is doing the healing in me, not a program. He is the one who has brought my heart to a point where it can be molded and used for his purposes. God does use programs, organizations and people but He is the one behind it all.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

It is amazing how you can fool yourself, and tell yourself that I am doing what I am doing for God's glory and not for my own. This is especially true when it comes to doing things in the Church or for some sort of ministry. After all it is for God, how can it be wrong.
I have enough on my plate right now, but I know from past experience that one of the scariest prayer I have prayed was for God to reveal things in my heart that I did not know where there.

Optimus Prime, Father To The Fatherless

In 1986, the original Prime did something that distinguished him from most other cartoon heroes. He died. He died for freedom, for righteousness”. Scott Brown of Wired Magazine goes on to assert that American culture American males are looking forward to the July 4th release of the “live-action” Transformers movie for “more than galvanic summer thrills or simple nostalgia. They’re looking for redemption, as men.”

“Prime practically parented the latchkey kids of the mid-”80s. He was our Allfather at a time when flesh-and-blood role models were increasingly few and far between”.

I remember scrambling to the television when voice actor Peter Cullen would command the troops to “Roll out!” and my second father with a voice like John Wayne playing Abraham Lincoln would contort into a Mack Truck, rev his engine, and roll his crushing 16-wheels down the heroic highway, barreling over the face of evil with unstoppable resolve. An action figure, Rubik’s cube, and Tonka toy all rolled into one, combined with an unshakable morality and sacrificial love, even the “tech specs” on his packaging in 1984 proclaimed his mission to bring freedom to “all sentient beings”. 23 years later, his steely face is plastered on a poster with a single word: “protect”. It’s no wonder so many boys laid their weekly allowance on the energon altar.

Little did we know it would do more than simply enhance merchandising; it would give a generation something to believe in when dad and the local parish had failed; it would give boys an animated role model. and perhaps even a Cybertronian god.

This is why so many people I know are polarized: excited or exacerbated, feverish or furious, titillated or ticked off, by the Michael Bay directed / Steven Spielberg produced return of Optimus and the bots, transforming into box office revenue on 2007’s Independence Day.

The question on everyone’s lips: “When Papa comes truckin’ home, will we recognize him?”

With a lack of faith in earthly fathers, and lacking a relationship with God, who is our Father, I can see the grand attraction of a robot that is both “Optimal” and in his “Prime”. Intentional or not, there is something godlike built into the stoic Autobot Commander, a titanium trinity imaging a loving Father, a sacrificial Son, and even an indwelling Spirit represented by the “Matrix of Leadership” he carries in his heart (or cab). To a lesser degree, he also represents a rugged, brass-knuckle, rubber-meets-the-road manliness that contemporary culture has slowly leeched from its men. Optimus Prime is a desperate grab for God, daddy, and lost masculinity.

“With bated breath and shaken faith we await the return of our Almighty Rig. Because without Prime, we’re stuck with whiney Spider-boys, metrosexual pirates, and koan-spouting kung-fu Christs in designer sunglasses and unisex clubwear. Because these days, the only real men left are giant robots.”

Just a toy? Purely nostalgia? I don't think so. Truly, there is something going on here that is more than meets the eye.

Even More California Pictures

Disneyland

Bar Barakah - Cermonial Blessing

My aunt and uncle just loaned me an awesome book on Christian ceremonial blessings, called Bar Barakah, by Craig Hill. With the journey I am on it has really resonated with my spirit because I have longed for something to confirm me as a man. How does any boy or girl in our society know when they have passed that stage of childhood and are on the road to being an adult?
Craig Hill talks in his book about the need for a ceremonial blessing in a person's life, man or woman. He mentions people in their are many people in their 30's, 40's and even 50's that are still under their parents and not feeling like they truly are an adult. He says that at one conference he was at an older man piped up saying that that feeling doesn't go away in your eighties either.
Many societies have some sort of ritual, like the Jewish Bar Mitzvah. In "Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalbey he talks about a polygamist African tribe that at the age of maturity calls the boy out of his mothers house and takes him away to learn about the history of his people, learn trades of being a man and fasting with prayer. When the boy comes back to the village he is no longer in his mothers house, his father builds him his own hut and gives him a plot of land to farm. And it isn't until he is well established in these things that he is allowed to see his mother again, at which point he is reintroduced to her as a man, lest she steals away his manhood with her mothering.
What does our society provide to initiate us into manhood? Well, a couple that Dalbey mentions are the ability to drive, buy cigarettes, go to the bar and buy pornographic material. He also mentions join the army and one I thought about was to ability to go to the casino and gamble. So what do these really communicate to those coming of age? Well a generality would be that adulthood means having the ability to do destructive things (other than driving but that would depend on how you drive).
For me it was driving, I longed for that day for years. In fact I started taking my Dad's truck out and driving on back streets and ally's when I was 13 and 14. I just couldn't wait. But like many other things in my life that I had expected to confirm my manhood, this too was empty and left me disappointed.
The Christian blessing ceremony called the Bar Barakah would be a major milestone in the life of the one who is blessed enough to have one. Craig Hill in the book compares it to a marriage ceremony, and ascribes as much importance. He asked those who are married, how do you know you are married? Most people were able to look back on their wedding day as how they knew. He asked if there was ever any doubt that you were ever "really" married and again there was no doubt because of the ceremony. That is the importance of ceremony. Imagine if you were able to look back on your life and remember your Bar Barakah, and know that this was the day you became a man. On this day your father imparted his blessing to you and declared before all your families friends and relatives "This is my son, in whom I am well pleased. Today my son, you are a man, before us and before God". After that day a child's life would be totally different, he would be granted new freedoms and be treated with a new respect.
I fully intend to do this with my son and study this more over the next while, as my son will be coming of age in the next 4 or 5 years. It excites me to think of how great it will be, and how he will have what I never had. He will never have to wonder when and if he really is a man.

More California Pictures

My sisters Wedding Day and Legoland.

25 Ways To Be A Servant-Leader

This is an excerpt from session 21 from Men's Fraternity. I struggle with the majority of these but when I read them my spirit just leaps in agreement that this is my calling in my home.

1. A servant-leader includes his wife in envisioning the future.
2. A servant-leader accepts spiritual responsibility for his family.
3. A servant-leader is willing to say “I’m sorry” and “Forgive me” to his family.
4. A servant-leader discusses household responsibilities with his wife and makes sure they are fairly distributed.
5. A servant-leader seeks the consultation of his wife on all major financial decisions.
6. A servant-leader follows through with commitments he has made to his wife.
7. A servant-leader anticipates the different seasons his marriage will pass through.
8. A servant-leader anticipates the different stages his children will pass through.
9. A servant-leader frequently tells his wife what he likes about her.
10. A servant-leader provides financially for his family’s basic living expenses.
11. A servant-leader deals with distractions so he can talk with his wife and family.
12. A servant-leader prays with his wife on a regular basis.
13. A servant-leader initiates meaningful family traditions.
14. A servant-leader plans fun outings for the family on a regular basis.
15. A servant-leader takes the time to give his children practical instruction about life, which in turn gives them confidence with their peers.
16. A servant-leader manages the schedule of the home and anticipates any pressure points.
17. A servant-leader keeps his family financially sound and out of harmful debt.
18. A servant-leader makes sure he and his wife have drawn up a will and arranged a well-conceived plan for their children in case of death.
19. A servant-leader lets his wife and children into the interior of his life.
20. A servant-leader honors his wife often in public.
21. A servant-leader explains sex to each child in a way that gives them a whole-some perspective.
22. A servant-leader encourages his wife to grow as an individual.
23. A servant-leader takes the lead in establishing with his wife sound, biblically-supportable family values.
24. A servant-leader joins a small group of men who are dedicated to improving their skills as a man, husband, and father.
25. A servant-leader provides time for his wife to pursue her own personal interests.

Califonia Pictures

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California and California Coast

Some Great Quotes

There is a "tear" in the masculine soul-a gaping hole or wound and into this hole demons have fled- demons of insecurity, selfishness and despair. Consequently men do not know who they are as men. Rather they define themselves by what they do, who they know or what they own.

As we bring our insecurity, unforgiven and immature thought/behavior patterns to the Lord honestly and vulnerably, He can free us from our pain and weakness and both lead and empower us to live a new way.

Unfortunately for themselves, their families, and their communities (men) have been satisfied with surface definitions of their masculinity, and have not probed the wonders of their deep masculine selves. Were they to choose to do so, our word would be a much different place, for men would be able once again to truly lead, guide, and direct their own lives and others. They would be able to carry their fair share of the burdens of our human and Christian communities. They would once again be truly able to enjoy their lives, not in selfishness, but in the wonder of contributing their strength for the well being of others.

Ted Dobson
Catholic Priest

Masculinity in a Feminized World

It is hard to speak about feminism, because from a man's perspective there are some things that are just not right. And I am not sure our feminized society is willing to receive it.
Before we get too far into that we need to acknowledge the wrongs that men inflicted on women, wrongs that gave a need for the feminist movement in the first place. Men crossed barriers when they took a God given role of leadership and used it to dominate and rule over the wife and family with cruelty. If men had treated women with the respect and honor they deserved there likely would not have been a feminist movement. But here is the problem, it seems as though we swung the pendulum too far the other direction.

Was the "Masculinity Movement" ready to abdicate power?

Of course there has not been a "Masculinity Movement" (although at times I think if we keep the direction we are going we will have one) but it did seem like men gave up without a fight. It makes me think of the strategy that the English had to get rid of the Scottish during the time of William Wallace. The right of "prima noctes" was the right of the English lord to bed the bride of a Scotsman on her wedding night, in as such "breeding" them out.
It seems like it only took one generation to turn the tides of the genders, as it was only in the early 60's that feminism really caught on. Feminism in itself is alright and was\is possibly needed, but it goes too far when it crosses the equality line and starts to take war against masculinity and the attributes of manhood.
The battle is not only in the Human Rights tribunals, or in the media. It has creeped into our churches across North America

I read on a blog recently the following:

"I work at helping my children see the manhood of Christ. But, I’m afraid that I don’t get a lot of help in this regard. As I observe the typical church, listening to sermons and Bible studies I often hear only the softer side of Christ presented. As a matter of fact, I recently asked participants in two seminars to list characteristics of Christ. In both the women’s seminar and the men’s seminar, the descriptors were words like, loving, forgiving, kind, compassionate, gentle. There were very few words that would have been compelling to men."

Even our churches are infected with it.

"I agree Christ was all of these things. He was the most incredible example of each of these characteristics, but that’s not all he was. He was also the most worthwhile example of courage, tenacity, service, assertiveness, righteousness, leadership, determination and Godliness. These are characteristics that are more likely to get a man’s attention. But we don’t hear about these things often enough from our pulpits or in our Bible studies."

I love to think about Jesus, when he enters the temple and sees the money changers defiling his father's house. I like how in John 2:15 it says Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them out. This is such a beautiful picture because Jesus is angry, yet he does not sin. I love picturing my savior running around this temple with fire in his eyes and lashing a whip. That's my man!

In Christina Hoff-Sommers book The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men we see how even secular culture is seeing the potential for damage. In a review of the book, the reviewer states:

"This book tells the story of how it has become fashionable to attribute pathology to millions of healthy male children. It is a story of how we are turning against boys and forgetting a simple truth: that the energy, competitiveness, and corporal daring of normal, decent males is responsible for much of what is right in the world. No one denies that boys’ aggressive tendencies must be checked and channeled in constructive ways. Boys need discipline, respect, and moral guidance. Boys need love and tolerant understanding. They do not need to be pathologized."

And my favorite quote:

"it’s a bad time to be a boy in America. . . ."

I believe that there is an all out war on men (though very subtle), we are trying to smudge the lines in the name of equality but damaging the goods in the process. We need to realized that when a man rises up is not at the expense of a woman. Not only that, but if men do not rise up, there will not be any men left.

Wounded Heros

It is annoying how your ideals can change when new information is added. I think of how Halloween was such a fun day growing up. I never got into the scariness of it, but I did enjoy dressing up and getting candy. There was never a question as to if you were going to go out trick or treating, that is just what you did. Fast forward to adulthood and you find out its horrible roots, and the spiritual implications and all of a sudden as a Christian father you are wondering if you even want to participate in such a horrible festivity.

Another example somewhat similar would be from the movie "The Matrix". At one point Morpheus confronts Neo with a choice, red pill or blue pill. Red pill everything stays the same and life continues as you know it, blue pill you find out the truth of your existence.

I have had few male role models in my life, and growing up I really had no one that was willing to really invest in me. To spend quality time with me and showing me what it meant to be a man. At some point in my childhood I attached to my Grandpa. Even though I cannot remember him ever really investing into me, one on one, I saw some traits in him that I admired. And at some point I decided I wanted to model my life after his.

As a man I now ask myself what it was that I saw in him. First and foremost I knew he was respected and considered wise by those that were close to him. Second he was a man of faith. While he still had his eyesight he was constantly reading the bible and his daily bread devotional was always on that days date, having been read that very morning. We were always blessed to have him ask the family get-together's meal because when he prayed he prayed as a man who knew the God whom he was praying to. I knew he was a gentle man, soft spoken and slow to anger. Compared to my own father my Grandpa was his opposite, and as painful as it is to admit I was looking for my father's opposite.

Going through my masculine healing journey I have come to some realizations that in many ways caused me to build my foundations on sand. Grandpa was a wonderful man, and I do not want anyone to hear anything other than my admiration for who he was, because I loved him very much. But I have realized the he was not that different than me. He was wounded.

He grew up in an alcoholic home and I can only assume his way of dealing with his alcoholic father was to just get quiet. He married my Grandma and from everything I can gather she was very similar to his own Dad in her harshness and controlling of him. My Mom had recounted many memories from her childhood of my Grandma verbally beating my Grandpa into submission. Grandma also had the gift of gab which took the pressure off Grandpa to be the conversationalist. And so he fell into the background which is where he seem content to be.

Both my Mom and my Uncle have recounted to me how even though Grandpa was there in body during their childhood he wasn't really there emotionally. And in may ways he cheated his children from any emotion, positive or negative. He met the Lord when he was a young man and through his many years of reading the word had much wisdom, but to tap into his wisdom you had to almost force it out of him. I can appreciate how he would have felt beat down by my Grandma, but what was it in him that was okay with his passivity?

It has only been through revelation in my healing that I have been able to recognize the same wound in both of us. I hypothesize that my Grandpa struggled with the question of what it means to be a man as well. I think the fact that I looked to my Grandpa as a masculine role model really communicates how mixed up I was. One of my favorite books (Raising a Modern Day Knight) has the best definition of manhood. author Robert Lewis defines it as:

"....someone who rejects passivity, accepts responsibility, leads courageously, and expects the greater reward; God's reward".

That is the awesome thing about God, realizing this does not bring resentment. Actually the opposite, I see my Grandpa as a fellow wounded man and it brings me much compassion for him. I wish Grandpa could have been the man God created him to be, I wish he could have been a courageous leader, but regardless I know he was a man after God's heart and I will see him again someday.

The Quest for Authentic Manhood

This has been a long journey for me. It started when our first son was born, I was newly married and working a minimum wage job. I was confronted with the fact that I could no longer sluff off my responsibilities in life, it was time to be a man. The scary thing was that I had no idea what that meant. I started to make some small steps in my life that I thought would fulfill that need, like going back to school. It helped for a bit, but still left me empty. For three years I tried to ignore the calling while comforting myself with my vices. In 2000 my world came crashing down and I was violently confronted with my ignorance towards this subject. I was left even more confused and heaped a whole pile of hurt on top of it.

I sought out other men, surely I am not the only one feeling like this. The first couple of guys I shared my questions with more or less ran from me as if I were diseased. I now realize that for them, even though they may have appeared to have masculinity cased on the outside really didn't know any more than me. They were just able to fake it better. And they really didn't want to confront something that was that "deep", after all we are men, we are self sufficient. When you are hurting and somebody tells you just to "buck up" and continue on and actually shames you for acknowledging your hurt, that can be really damaging to a man psyche.

Eventually I did find some companions for my journey, but there is a danger in just healing enough that the hurt goes away, but not really dealing with the wound. For me, to deal with the wound I have had to dig deep, deep inside and confront some ugly things that I really don't want to admit are there. I have had to dig back to my childhood and recognize some of the things that were missing and other areas that were overdone. Its sounds like a long process and in some ways it is, but the healing is so worth it. I have dealt with this all my married life and have cheated my wife and children from having the real me. My wife says that deep down she has always been able to see the man I now am, but the "log jams" in my life have stopped me from reaching my potential.

Where do I go next? The journey of healing is really just beginning. A friend encouraged me when I was sharing with him that the healing, freedom and empowerment that I am now experiencing is only a drop in the bucket compared to the total healing, freedom and empowerment that He will bestow on me. Very exciting. I have not arrived, and I am very aware of this, but at least I know where I am going and am embracing the journey.

Update

Time to blow some dust off my blog. I have desired to blog all the amazing things God is showing me and new things I am learning but it seems that I the time is not quite right.

I have been blessed by many things lately, but mostly by my amazing wife. She is so amazing how she carries the heart of God to me time and time again. God is doing so many amazing things in her and I get to be front row and center.

God has led me to some amazing books, the first was "Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalby. This was the perfect book for me, so much insight into myself, my pain and understanding why I have done some of the stupid things I have. I highly recommend this book for any man that is struggling with masculinity, and how to become a man after God's heart.





"Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge has been a huge blessing to me. I find that He doesn't write at quite as technical a level as Gordon Dalbey does, but manages to hit the heart issues even deeper. I find that the two books compliment each other very well and have just kept me trucking down the healing journey.





Men's Fraternity (www.mensfraternity.com) has been a wonderful nugget that God helped me to stumble across while I was looking through podcasts on iTunes. After listening to the first 6 sessions I quickly downloaded the other 18 (24 sessions total in the "Quest for Authentic Manhood"). These audio sessions basically take the same message from the books previously mentioned and expand it into a 24 week journey of healing. I have had to do it individually but the ultimate goal would be to do it in a small group with other men. It has been so healing to me and maybe one day when I am healed I could bring it to the men of our church or even city.

It is amazing how God loves to give us a heart of reconciliation. In 2 Corinthians 5:18 it says "And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him." And so it should come as little surprise to us that when we ask for this, he is ready to give it to us and wants to.
I have felt led to pray for several couples whose marriages are facing a similar similar battle to the one we faced in ours. As I have gone to God praying for these couples he has used that same spirit to walk in bringing unity between my Sister and Dad.

God is good, thats all I can say. He has brought me men to speak into my life, to be accountable to and has given me a boldness I have never experienced in my faith.

As wonderful as that sounds the battles are still raging and the pain of redemption and purification continues.

Update

Hey all, I am not sure if anybody ever comes here anymore but I wanted to give an update since my last two posts were a bit....well how do you say...depressing. I almost don't want to come back here and remind myself as to how I was feeling at that time. I would say without a doubt that was one of the darkest times of my life.
I am very happy that our lives are seasons and that that season is over. A wise woman once said to me that we all have down times, but we need to get to a point in our lives where down doesn't also mean out.


Life has been pretty even keel for the last month and a half. I have been taking much joy in leading our life group, even though I feel I have a lot to learn as a leader I know that I am called to lead this group and to endure and mature in the process.


I have been privileged to watch Sarah struggle and bounce back as well. I am so thankful that God is leading us down the same path and even though we may hit our own ruts in the road, we are at the same place, together when the road is smooth again. Watching Sarah's journey is like watching a rose in bloom, from bud to flower, getting more beautiful every day. I love her heart and am so blessed that I have her in my life.


I have been getting back into biking, the battle of bulge (my waistline) continues. I have the strangest metabolism, I can bounce from 195 to 185 within a couple days. But the time has come and I need to loose weight. Biking to work with my father in-law has helped tremendously, he keep me motivated and getting up each morning.


I am playing with the idea of joining Tae Kwon Do with Noah, we'll see where that goes.


Much of my time lately has been spent on Facebook. I have really put it down in the past and at one point had signed up and then stopped using it. The second time around here I am really enjoying it. I can't tell you how many friendships I have been able to reconnect with thanks to Facebook, as a result my perspective has changed greatly. Blessings!!

Grieving Caleb

Grieving is a terribly confusing thing. I don't know why this is coming up a year and a half later but it is along with all this other stuff. My feelings are so jumbled I don't know where to start. One thing I know is that I have a lot of unresolved anger towards "the system". Which kind of sucks because the system is a nameless, faceless thing that has no emotion and certainly no remorse.
For nine years of our lives with Caleb the system was there for us with Caleb, we are honestly so lucky how we live in a province that has so much support for those with a disability or a disabled child. But I was not prepared for how we would get treated once Caleb was no longer with us. It was like a band aid getting ripped off in one stroke, taking the hair and scab with it. I was nice to have those agencies to support us, the thing about support though is that when you have somebody rely on it the removal needs to be gradual. Sarah and I have talked about how we felt like Caleb looked after our family and I think that this is why we felt like that.
This last week Sarah brought home Caleb's wheel chair and had it in our living room. She never told me that she did this and I came home from work and there is was, it actually scared me to the point of having a small anxiety attack. I was stunned for a short amount of time and asked her why. Honestly I was angry, not so much at Sarah from bringing it home but for the rush of emotions and memories that flooded in. The kids see it like a toy and they have all taken turns sitting in Caleb's chair, it scares me to see them in the chair, especially if they sit still like Caleb did.

Where have I been?

Good question, I don't know myself. Currently I find myself in a crisis of faith and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know exactly what has changed, I know there are issues that I have relating to Caleb's death that I have not dealt with but the more I search myself the more I find ugliness in my life that I really don't want to deal with. I'm tired.
One of reason things have come to a head verus staying hidden in the recesses of my mind have to do with taking on the task of leadership in our church. For most of my adult life I wanted somebody to have faith in me, to trust me in a leadership role. I am more than willing to admit that I had some very ugly motives that even I didn't recognize at the time but thankfully I had good leaders that saw through my facade and encouraged me to grow more before taking on that responsibility. Then I finally got to a place in life where I really didn't care anymore about leadership and realized the responsibility and spiritual maturity it required. And it was then that I was asked to lead a small group with Sarah. Well I have done my best at putting on the strong leader face these last couple months, and now I find my brittle mask crumbling before me. All of a sudden I feel bare, because all of my covering up has pushed my problems to the surface. Not unlike the plumber who keeps patching the water line each time it leaks, before long there is no longer a pipe, only a bunch of patches in a row that will eventually fail and flood.
Am I depressed? Well I guess so, I have gotten hear by my own decisions. I am obviously going to be stepping back from leadership, Sarah has decided that she has enough fuel in the tank to lead herself.
I don't want this to sound like a pity party for myself, I am just standing back and looking at my life and being honest with myself. There is much more that will eventually come out, just can't find the words.

Prince Caspian - May 16!!

Sorry, had to remove the trailer, it was really annoying how it would play every time I loaded the page.

Family Update

Hi all, I thought I should give you a little update as to what has been going on in our home as I am not blogging much these days.

Well as you can imagine the period from October 27^th to November 1^st was not a lot of fun. We went to Caleb’s grave site and remembered him as we shivered in the cold. Afterwards we went to Saskatoon Asian and spent some time as a family. This period of time was very difficult on our marriage, we were not coming together in our grief but rather coming against each other. We are taking joy in the fact that we are past all the firsts, the first Christmas, birthday, anniversary of his death and funeral. Hopefully the next year will be easier.

We haven’t had time to celebrate our anniversary yet (11 years) but we will hopefully take some time in the coming weeks.

Last night Sarah surprised me with a birthday party. I still can’t believe she pulled it off without me expecting a thing, I was sure that I would have suspected something. She invited all my guy friends and Chris (my brother-in-law) snuck in my house and setup several computers and networked them together. Needless to say we had a great “Christian” time of fellowship and blowing each other up until the wee hours of the morning. I am still recovering.

I started a new job at the end of September. I am commercial installer, installing cable, internet and phone services. As you can imagine going from a computer technician to a cable installer has been a bit of a culture shock for me but I love every minute of it. I found that with computers there were so many times I could get a computer working, but I didn’t really feel like a fixed the problem. With my new job there is no grey areas, either the signal is there and it is working, or it isn’t. With my string of perfectionism this is a really good fit. They have an unbelievable benefits package and I get every TV service (including HD), internet and phone for $100\month. This really helps our bottom line. Also my hours are 8am-4:30pm Monday to Friday, I have not have hours like those for a while.

Sarah is home schooling like crazy this year. We have both seen major growth in her and her ability to organize and keep focused. And the proof is in the pudding as the kids are always excited to tell me about what they learned during the day when I come home.

Noah is in Tae Kwon Do this year and is really enjoying it, it seems to be a better fit for him than soccer. He would play computer games and game boy all day if we let him, so we are trying to find the positives in that and get him into some educational software. Noah blows us away with his home schooling, he is so smart, and the weird thing is, is that his favourite subject is math! Hard to believe he is my son :)

Isaiah’s extracurricular activity this year is an arts and crafts class. This is totally up her alley as she spends much time at home coloring, painting, cutting, gluing and leaving a mess wherever she goes. She is still in ballet as well and is now in her second year.

Sarah enrolled Faith in a 2 year old dance class called “Move to Music”, this was put on by our community association at a local school. Faith loves it, but after the second class the teacher quit. So Sarah picked up the slack and started leading the class. It has kind of become a family project as I am the DJ and the kids assist Sarah in helping the kids. There are anywhere from 2-6 kids per week. Faith’s vocabulary expands every day and can now communicate most of what she wants. She still surprises us with some of the words that she incorporates in her sentences.

Elishah is growing like crazy, she is almost 9 months old, wow where does time go. Sarah is in the process of weaning her which means we are now into baby food and bottles. Elishah is crawling and pulling herself up on furniture. She can go from a crawl to sitting and turn around using that method.

Sarah and I have started leading a care group (which we call a life group), we have 3 other couples and one single girl. This has been stretching for us to say the least, and the timing of it with Caleb’s anniversary made it that much more difficult. It is obvious that God has called us into a time of stretching our faith and teaching us about leadership. I feel that once we get our bearings about us we will see the blessing.